Crying Behind the Dryer….

And another crazy busy day in the life…of work, trying to get stuff done in a new home, changing kids schools, trying to catch up with calls and yes the man that comes by that I can never fully have.  Why do I get myself involved in such disaster, it only ends with me being hurt. Yet I still give him the affection and attention that he doesn’t deserve.

Another small breakdown today, as I sat behind the dryer trying to get the clamp on the dryer vent hose, the one I had was to small, so I bought a new one and it’s to big..the frustration sat in of always having to do everything myself, when will it be my turn to have a good, loyal loving man in my life to help.  Don’t get me wrong I don’t need a man around, obviously I get along just fine without one, it would be nice to not have to fix the dryer and hook up the washer and pray for no leaks. So I just sat there and cried for about 5 minutes, got my ass up, wiped it off and back to work I go.

Ok the above was yesterday, maybe the reason I cried is because of PMS or it really is being alone.  I’m doing all my prep work for surgeries coming up and you guess it the only one’s around to help are my friends from church and even colleagues and long lost acquaintances stepping up.  It saddens me knowing that these “friends” I have given years to, our kids play sports together, birthday parties, beach trips have somehow been overcome with envy and jealousy of what I HAVE made for MYSELF that I do not even hear from them.  Well one of them sent a text “enjoy your  new house” really I build a new home with my hard earned money and you can’t accept the fact that I work and earn what I have.  So now what to do, guess only time will tell.  Honestly if I don’t  hear from them and they make no attempt to visit while I’m in the hospital or bedridden then good bye on them.

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Everything I dreamed of and lonely

Here I sit, all alone in my big new house.  I recently purchased a brand new home, with just about anything a small, poor girl from Missouri could ever ask for.  I’m 36, a single mom of 2, I work 2 jobs and Just finishing up my Masters Degree.  I love my new home, I make good money working the 2 jobs, I have wonderful children–yet some days drive me crazy.   Yet I’ve never felt so alone, since I bought my new house my so called friends have all but disappeared.  When I needed help moving not one of them stepped up to help me.  It was only the “friends” from church that stood up to help me.  I am so very grateful for my church family.  I’m not a devoted member in the sense I don’t go to church every week, and probably don’t do as many as the right things I should do.  Yet in my time of need they were there without hesitation.  Where was my other “friends” who I considered family they are no where.  Just the same after my car accident 2 months ago, it wasn’t anyone but church that came to help us with meals and housecleaning.  I believe I give a lot into the world, if anyone needed anything I would give them  my last dollar–then why is the perception of jealousy because I achieved so much.  My path to success was not and still isn’t easy.  You don’t see me working all night long and getting up early, I’m at every kids game, I take to school/pick up, at every milestone. I am no martyr but I believe I do what is right for my family.  You that hate me do not see the loneliness in my eyes, longing for a marriage like you have, you do not see the lonely tears that stream down my face every night, you do not see my frustration because I cant’ do something and envy the fact you have a husband and blood family to rely on. You don’t know that I grew up on welfare/food stamps, in an unstable and abusive home so my defense is to make it in this tough world where just about everyone turns their back on you.  You do not see my struggles of serving in the military for so long, the issues and struggles you can only ever scratch the surface of.  You do not see me, you do not hear my pain, you do not understand my struggle.  Yes I have a new home–I worked for it, no I don’t want your husband I want my own, I expect nothing and give everything.  I pray everyday for the Lord to take away my struggles and pain, yet here I am crying over what I cannot change, and hope tomorrow is a better day.  Is this it, will I be alone forever???? Definitely do not feel like a super hero right now….just lost.

And it begins….

Here it goes my first blog post.  It’s 3 am and I can’t sleep after a recent car accident, but yet I can’t concentrate on anything either. A little about me; I am a single mom doing the best I can I have a 14 year old daughter and a 6 year old son.  I work full-time, trying to finish my last 4 classes for graduate school, starting my own business, attempting to date (which has been an epic fail).  I stay very involved with my kids activities since I had a tragic childhood they are my life, although doesn’t leave me with one either. After moving every year growing up, I joined the military at 19 and moved around every few years. Now being in Texas the last 2 years is where I call home and by far the best friends (family) I have ever had. This week was a valuable week of lessons on friendship. After my car accident, the truth of peoples character comes out. The desires of life are shone.